We Americans as a people are extremely good at shoving things inside ourselves. We are slightly less good at getting them back out without the aid of trained medical personnel.
For a decade I’ve been chronicling our country’s cavity misadventures, and I’ve learned several things. First is that it’s dangerous to be horny. (The sheer number of sex toys removed in emergency rooms is too high to include on this list, for the most part.) Second is that men are far, far stupider than women when it comes to estimating what will fit and what will be retrievable. This is obvious, but it’s nice to have the data to back it up. Third is that the human body is a wondrous thing, but the human imagination is even stronger.
All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, and all descriptions are verbatim. Objects are sorted by orifice, working south:
EAR
- 2 WIRELESS EARBUDS
- JEWEL
- “SISTER PUT LONG SLENDER TOY IN PATIENT’S EAR”
- METAL PIECE OF SHIRT
- ROCK SALT
- BERRY
- “PATIENT SAYS SHE HAD WAX IN EAR & ATTEMPTED TO REMOVE WITH TWEEZERS & PIECE OF STRING”
- PAPER IN BOTH EARS
- “PLACED THERMOMETER IN EAR, FELL ON BED”
- JUICE BOX STRAW
- PEARL
- WOOD CHIP
- MICROCHIP
- DECORATIVE SEASHELL
- TOOTH OF COMB
- ZIP TIE
- SLIME
- PLASTIC SPIDER
- CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT